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Q: what’s Berry Melrose doing??? It really is the biggest query i need answered about the NHL lockout! Is he having the same meltdown as Ron Burgundy did when he changed into off the air? You’re employed at ESPN, are you able to reply this? Please inform me the Mullet is still in full effect.–Kevin Devoy, Minneapolis

SG: i’m no longer presupposed to point out this, but we have Melrose cryogenically frozen like Austin Powers at the moment. If the hockey lockout ever ends — and it doubtless may not, however just in case — we’re instantly thawing him out and showing his seven-minute pee reside on ESPNEWS. Don’t tell anyone.

Q: I consider EA activities should add a characteristic to NBA live: 2006 that could enable avid gamers to attack the lovers. Think about being the warmth and taking Shaq into the group to kill 15 individuals?–Dan, New Brunswick

SG: couldn’t they just merge NBA reside and Grand Theft Auto and set it in Portland? Not simplest might you are trying to win the NBA title with the Blazers, but you might have missions between video games: elevate pit bulls to fight against Qyntel Woods and his canines; steal pot from Damon Stoudamire; combat the Portland police after they catch you asleep on your motor vehicle at 4 a.M.; frame Ruben Patterson for a legal assault; change your urine with the ballboy’s urine earlier than an unexpected drug look at various; assassinate Dick Bavetta before he referees your online game in opposition t the Knicks; and so forth. And during games, you may inexplicably can charge into the stands and begin punching spectators — it could be similar to randomly attacking people in Grand Theft Auto. Of direction, the most reliable aim could be to overthrow David Stern and take over the league.

(incidentally, I believe i might pay like $three,000 to play this game.)

Q: might you do me and the tens of millions (and hundreds of thousands) of your lavatory-based mostly readers a prefer — for your longer columns — working Commentaries, etc., please add some guidance like “Mercy Flush”, “Wipe” and “Its been 15 minutes, the boss is probably looking for you”. Judging by the number of your column printouts left within the bathroom, it would support.–Glenn McGregor, Washington DC

Q: invoice, my nemisis. Bear in mind Vietnam? You be aware of, tiny country, simplest time-honored for one quasi-victory, then for probably the most half diminished returned in to oblivion? Remember they have been dominated with the aid of the French (as homoerotic as that sounds), then eeked out a win over the USA after spending hundreds of years in the way again seat to Europe and the U.S.? See the analogy i’m attempting to make here, invoice? You see, the Yankees are the united states … They have got the most money, they have got the greatest weapons, and they, for probably the most half, by no means lose. People love to hate the U.S., just as they love to hate the Yankees, primarily as a result of americans wish they had been born within the U.S

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., and americans desire they have been born to fathers who knew satisfactory to root for a profitable team, and never for a bunch of choke artists that haven’t gained a collection in their lifetime. Every as soon as in ages, a no person crew just like the pink Sox, like Vietnam to the U.S., will come along and remind the U.S. That whereas definitely dominant, they are not unbeatable. After which what occurs? Vietnam, just like the BoSox events for ages, receives drunk, loses the face of their group to the Mets, and, within the words of the super Tyson, fades lower back in to Bolivia. In the meantime, americans will retain hating the Yanks, will keep hating on the U.S., however its all good, trigger now all Vietnam does is make footwear for NIKE. Love you.–Chief Macho, new york, the big apple

 

 

 

 

 

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