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Pitbull Dog Hawaiian Shirt
April 12: Despite formidable protests from Martha Burk, Hootie Johnson stubbornly refuses to alter his position and maintains the Augusta National Country Club ban on the Dixie Chicks. Tiger Woods gives equivocal support to Burk’s position by not playing on Masters Sunday.
April 26: Convinced that no one will find him after five days pinned by an 800-pound boulder, hiker Aron Ralston amputates his left arm and treks eight miles to help. He is rushed to the emergency room where doctors save his life and Boston manager Grady Little immediately adds him to the Red Sox starting rotation.
May 1: A woman fired by the Sacramento Kings files a sexual harassment suit, claiming that she was fired because forward Doug Christie’s insanely jealous wife, Jackie, was enraged when she gave the Kings swingman a phone message. By the way, this really happened.
May 3: Tobey Maguire rides 13-1 longshot Seabiscuit to victory in the Kentucky Derby.
May 17: Vijay Singh withdraws from the Colonial Open, claiming that Doug Christie’s insanely jealous wife, Jackie, will get mad if he plays in the same tournament as Annika Sorenstam.
May 22: Sorenstam becomes the first woman in 58 years to spend the weekend golfing while her husband stays home watching the Oxygen channel.
May 25: Democratic presidential candidates Howard Dean, Richard Gephardt, Joe Lieberman, John Kerry and Al Sharpton arrange meaningless interviews with Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen.
May 30: Displaying the form that will win him the Conn Smythe award, Anaheim goalie Jean-Sebastien Giguere stops Kobe Bryant from scoring with a waitress in the hotel bar.
June 3: Success at last! After months of searching and the fall of Baghdad, U.N. Weapons inspector Hans Blix finds cork in Sammy Sosa’s bat.